thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
