I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
