i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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