this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
