I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
