Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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