if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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