I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
