i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
