I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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