What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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