: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
