I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
