Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
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I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
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People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter