overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."