After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.