I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
