dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
