hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
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