you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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