explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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