Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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