How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
