I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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