Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
