Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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