There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
