She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
