Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
