So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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