So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
