How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
