U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize
