I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
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Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
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FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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