I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
