Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
