im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
