I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
