Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
