I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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