Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
