she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
