it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
