I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
