hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
