dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
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I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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