How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Randomize
