why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
