It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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