I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just gargled with NyQuil
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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