One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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