Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
