I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
