1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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