Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
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so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
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I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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