so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
