I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
