We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
